Bessy the Two Tit Cow

By: A. Dewitt Day

In the cajun country of South Louisiana near Houma, there are many bayous and some of them have draw bridges where the road goes across.  Where boats go to the Gulf of Mexico to shrimp, these bridges must be raised to allow these boats to pass. It’s all flat country.

In  Lafourche, Parish there is a draw bridge over the Terrebonne Bayou and men are hired by the Parish to raise and lower the bridge.  One of these men was Charles Beauchamp. Now Charles had been doing this for several years however, a Constable died and Charles decided to run for his position.  He had some of the ladies around there going from house to house campaigning for him.  You see he was good looking and a ladies’ man. This one lady, Charles’ Mama, came and knocked on Bill LaRose’s house and he came to the door.  She asked, ”Mr. LaRose I am soliciting votes for Charles Beauchamp who is running for Constable.  I am his mother and will you please vote for my son?”

”No I won’t,” Bill replied, and started to close the door..

This came as a shock to Mrs. Beauchamp. She thought everyone liked her son.   She knew the other women did. So, she wanted to find out just why Mr. LaRose wouldn’t vote for her sweet boy.  “Will you please tell me why you won’t vote for him,” questioned his mother.

“I’ll be glad to,” said Bill.  “Awhile back I had this great muley milk cow named Bessy. She had utters but only had two tits.  Don’t you think that is different, and kind-of odd for a cow. We know you women don’t have four but a cow is suppose to have four tits.  Bessy was born with only two, everything else was normal.  She gave lots of milk, we had cream, made butter and buttermilk.”

”Mr. LaRose,” interrupted Mrs. Beauchamp.  “What’s that got to do with you NOT voting for my son?”

“I’m coming to that,” answered Bill.

“My whole family loved Bessy and when we would milk her we would turn the radio on to country music and she just loved Conway Twitty.  She would just relax and give a gallon and a half in the morning and another gallon at night.  Well, she got sick, she got the piles and was in a real bad way.  I went to see the Veterinarian to see if he could fix poor ole Bessy.  He said bring her up there and I can insert a suppository and that will take care of it.   I asked him what that would cost?   He said a $125.00 dollars.  Can you believe that?  I told him that she was no Holy Cow she was just a cow with two tits.

He then looked at me if I were sick.  I asked him if he had anything cheaper. He said he could sell me the suppository and I could insert it myself for $10.00 dollars.   I said hell, I can do that.   As I started out the door with that thing I hollowed back at him as to how do you put the thing in?   He quickly answered with a funnel and some air.   I headed home because Bessy was real sick.

 “Mr. LaRose,” questioned Mrs. Beauchamp.  “What’s that got to do with you not voting for Charles?”

“I’m coming to that.” 

“Well, I never thought about it much,” stammered Mrs. Beauchamp. ”Believe me,” said Bill.  ”They can when they need to.”

Ole Bill was getting louder as he began to remember what Bessy had done.  “Next that cow went through the garden……no she didn’t…….she stayed there bucking and bugling until she had destroyed the whole garden. Every single thing in it.  All the while Toooooooooot, Toooooooooot. blowing that damn Bugle.”

“Mr. LaR.ose,” looking tired now, Mrs. Beauchamp asked again.  “What has all that got to do  with you not voting for my son?”

“I’m coming to that,” loudly said Bill.

With that, Bill continued his story.  “When I got home I had a full air tank, but I looked everywhere……didn’t have no funnel.  I had an idea.  Over the fireplace was an old Bugle that my great, great grandpa had in the Civil War.  I said to myself; that’ll work. So I went to the barn and to Bessy’s stall with the air tank, suppository and grandpa’s Bugle.  Bessy was in terrible pain. Tears were coming from her eyes standing there all spread legged.  I turned on her music ……got behind her……gently raised her  tail.. ….slowly inserted the mouth piece of the Bugle into her hind parts……placed the suppository in the opened part of the Bugle ……took the hose of the air tank, blasted that thing North.  Lady, you’re never gonna believe what happen next.  All hell broke loose. That cow’s tail went straight up, so did both ears, her eyes crossed, her mouth fell open and she tore down the stall.  She tore one end out of the barn. She was pitching and bucking like a bull at the rodeo. Every third step, or buck, blowing that Bugle.   Toooooooooot,   Toooooooooot.  Lady, she went through the hog pen and I ain’t caught ‘em all yet.  She went through the chicken house……tore it up plum ……did you know chickens can fly,” asked Bill?

Bessy would have never done any of that stuff, but she was real sick and in pain.  Next she got out on the shell road (in South Louisiana they use shells to cover their roads because there is no gravel or rock available) and started heading for the bridge where your son was working.  All the while blowing that Bugle.  You know what that precious little boy of your did?  That stupid ‘Sum Bitch’ opened the draw bridge.  He open the draw bridge!   Poor Bessy ran off into the bayou and drown.  It wasn’t her fault, she was sick.

“I’m sorry about your cow, but what’s that got to do with you NOT voting for him,” asked Mrs. Beauchamp?

“Son or no son lady, I ain’t voting for no ‘Sum Bitch’ that don’t know the difference between, A SHRIMP BOAT WHISTLE AND A COW WITH A BUGLE UP HER BUTT.”

just fooling around